On Moscow.

In nine short days I am packing my car as full as it will go and driving five and a half hours to Vancouver, WA where I will begin the next chapter of my life. I made the decision in March, and until about three hours ago was able to let the thoughts of a new and exciting place keep the sadness of leaving my home of the past 12 years at bay.

Moscow and I never learned to love each other, though in the past 2 years we've come to play nicely. I moved here with my family when I was 10, and within two days had decided I was going to get the hell out of here the day I turned 18. Well here I am, 22, and just now getting around to leaving.

I tell people that I tried to leave Moscow several times before now - and technically its true. The restrictions that the communities of Logos and Christ Church put on me were an unbelievably tough yoke for me to bear. I was never cut out for them - or more accurately, they were never able to wear me down, or mute my opinions, to their rigid standard of what is acceptable. But I've come to realize something in the last couple weeks. As much as I ranted and raved about the evils of Moscow - at least they were evils I knew - and my attempts to leave were always rooted in desperation, not in the confidence it takes to leave your home, miserable as it may be.

During the past two years, I've mercifully been able to slip through the cracks enough to avoid the constant, uncomfortable, "good intentioned," prying questions of members of the aforementioned communities. This break from the constant judgements, raised eyebrows, and vicious gossip gave me a chance to begin to live as I'd wanted to for years. My life, my voice, and my opinions are finally coming into their own, and through trial and error, I've arrived in a place where leaving Moscow is the next rational step in the maturing process - not the flailing vain attempt to run from my problems or the guilt of who I was "supposed" to be.

I'm leaving Moscow a damaged, but recovering person. Although the sexism, close mindedness, hypocrisy, and unjust accusations of various members of the community left their mark, they've made me the person I am today, and have armed me with strength and patience to deal with more bullshit than I ever thought possible :)

To my mom and all my friends that have seen me through the hard times, put up with my tears, rants, and soap box lectures, and given me the courage to think on my own and grow too big for this pond, thank you. I love and will miss you all.

~Esther